Descent

Dear bloggie,

Last night was probably one of my most horrible night ever. The feeling of insecurity and being unsheltered flooded me and I flooded Tinky. worst of all, I lost hope of living. It's a personal reason and probably won't be sharing it to anyone else in the world.

Several nights ago, a harsh bitter argument was provoked by accident, or by mummy's worry over me. She was extremely disappointed in me and broke down in front of me and the living room turned silent immediately. I took my phone and walked straight into the room, grabbed Tinky and Bobok and listen to a few calming songs while I cried away. Well probably because no one else who knows or experienced what I have would never understand how its like. I too broke down and sobbed for an hour or more - leading me to missing my evening class because of extremely swollen eyes and unstable emotions/mood/senses.

For another time life ( I don't know how many times it has been, but this I know was pretty bad), I just needed a good outlet; a person I can speak to and share my thoughts. But there weren't anyone who was there this time. It was like trying to look for someone you can fully trust your life with and speak to but for some reason, there was no friend nor stranger for me to personally approach. Everyone's leading their own lives with their own problems and own issues to deal. I tried telling you what happened but apparently too you prefer cursing your ex and telling me about something else which wasn't important. Okay so fine, it was a big celebration for you that she's finally decided to ruin her life THAT way. I couldn't be bothered really. Do you really think I was going to come skipping by and tell you that "Do you know my ex ________? GOD YES. Finally! Serves the fucking right"? Well, no I wasn't going to. To think that you were the right person for me to share my good and bad, the bad was just "not interesting" anymore. I know your job is tiring and crazy and everything is about work now. Sometimes, I don't know how to place myself. You asked me why and so I tell you and that's it? And you just leave? I know there's no right for me to order you or command you to listen but as a partner, why? I do understand that you want to tell me and share with me your happiness for what's happened, but this isn't the correct time? Really. I know TOO that it's bad for me to add in the pressure and stress, but where's that person I really need suddenly? My friends aren't around anymore. I thought they would be but all of them decided to have it their own way. There's no one else I trust in life now and now for real, there's no one who'll be there. I tried calling a few here and there but I was ignored. I'm just really lonely, you know? In the Sims 3 term, it's also called stir crazy from being at home without anyone such as friends for forever. I can't even remember the last time I went out! Where is everyone?

Seriously, I'm not having any fun here. I'm not even happy to begin with! I cannot share too much with my family because they are a part of me, but they aren't suppose to be everything of me! Is there any time on earth I can have other people around me?? I don't want my family to worry about me anymore! I'm big enough not to report everything to them! Why is everyone so far???

I'm so tired. So sleepy. I haven't slept well, ate well, rest well. Even the computer chatting sessions have been dull and boring. Now that mum and I haven't been in good terms, I don't even have a "family" to tell anything to. I thought it'll be really cool and strong for me to keep things away from anyone, pretend to be all good but it's been eating me and thinking that I'm depressed, I'm also not? Aren't depressed people most of the time ignorant of food sleep entertainment? Why am I still so normal? I still eat, think, sleep, rest, play. I've been sick too because of irregular food although I'm eating, thinking, sleeping, resting, playing.

Sad isn't it when there actually isn't anyone who's there to protect and help? Tinky... Was surprisingly the best company anyone can have when you have no one else. You know, I really thought I was okay and strong enough. Looks like I've been wrong too. Poor Tinky was bathing in tears! Oh I love her so much. She's always my baby...

I sinned badly again. But He knows why. I love doing it. Everytime I do, my day turns out better eventually. It's really was nasty, so PLEASE BLESS ME. And forgive me...

Amen. Finish. The End. I'm going off now. Can't stand being online waiting forever. Take care! Night! Bye. Love you lots bloggie... I haven't been well and I hope you understand me like you always have... Take good care'a yerself aight? I love you lots. I do. I'm just REALLY angry, tired, sad, lack'a sleep, hungry, nauseas, uncomfortable, extra sad, more exhausted and, glad.