Revival my matey'

Dear bloggie,

It's been a while not hasn't it? Time flew past once more like never before; and I'm here waiting for some winds of change. Maybe not some, but a drastic one.

In year 2012, I found myself 3/4 times more down than anyone else would possibly be because of work. I don't think that's changed at all though.

Today, I look at it with a different focus point where commitments start arising and the value of money isn't really as scrumptious as it used to be here. The amount of hard work and every day pressure is much more immense  than it used to be, not to mentioned that my current superior is leaving for good. I will be once more, overwhelmed by the same amount of work I did two years ago in the same seat.

My nose got me real good recently too. I was down with antibiotics non-stop for the past more or less 3 months. I'm not addicted to it for sure but it gets into you or your work very easily. Yeap, I AM weak and it doesn't need to be reminded. Oh, the blood test also revealed a few unwanted results; which had to be known anyway. Whatever the consequences or facts are, I've gotta face it. Now you know why I'm always tired, losing a lot of hair etc? Sigh... Apparently there's a serum which can help though... Just not now I suppose...

Anyway, my nose is doing mighty good now. It's been exactly five bloody days since I was under the knife and have been recovering very well. Slight bleeding as suspected and a lot of deep breathes, followed by a string of exhausting moments: I couldn't even wash my own mug nor wring the table cloth on the first three days. BUT I pushed it and actually went out for a nice shop with my sister. It makes me happy to see her happy; and I'm happy that it was a fruitful THREE hour walk around the simple mall.

Mum is recovering from her post depression too. She was admitted to HDU in end May, not too long after I was diagnosed with a crooked nose. Her dialysis costs impacted both dad and myself the most, hence I pray for strength, endurance and patience that all will be better soon.

By the way, bet you didn't know I've finally agreed to join CF this year! Well... for an unexpected agreement really. All the plans are rushing through my blood into my head like an avalanche, it's just so exciting! I know I'm about to face the best six months ahead like I've never had before - so MANY things to clean up, so MANY great ideas to spark, so MANY tough choices to make and most of all, so MANY paths to turn to, I'm already feeling lost.

Nonetheless, I've decided to go ahead with my very special someone I was oddly united to. T's been only six months however it feels like six years. Now, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or news for such feelings however I must treasure these precious thoughts and emotions which I was bestowed upon after much prayers over the last two years. Ups and downs happen. This I find unique though. There are days when I feel choked up and unable to speak to him about, but eventually we do. That I must say is rather magical because I have been scarred for my own good, something I've learnt to never do again. I love him. Repeated in my past relationships? Fuck that. This is my new life and I plan to move along well with this.

Bloggie, I haven't really been able to sleep very well nor quickly lately. I hope that once I'm back in the office, my mind will be too occupied to think of the unnecessary. There're just too many things running across in my head.

I'll be fine. Just need some mind revival moments.

I love you so much bloggie, I hope you take good care'a yerself there while I'm away. There're some minor detailing touch ups to do by this month.

Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do

Dear bloggie,

Only because I felt like singing.

A couple'a moments ago, I just found out an old post which I didn't manage to publish in July that I wasn't oomph-ed at work, coz I was getting bored of it - repetitive what not. NOW, I think I'm about to murder my boss, every way I can. Oh, not to mention my team mates.

I've pondered about it and thought, "Am I really such a bad employee?". Every blinking email reply is sandwiched with the juiciest negative remark in any form; it's either "you don't read emails", "you obviously missed the deadline", "since you're not efficient enough, I'll take over", "again, I repeat" or "I don't ____ for an answer". And again, I wonder - who's the one who isn't able to manage his team? 

Look, we've (fucking team mates as asses from planet dumb-a-tron) done the same mistakes over time and repeatedly, there's obviously something wrong. Why? If I knew, I wouldn't be sitting here now. I'll be at the Empire State making cocktails singing "do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do". So, 

1. We don't get meetings (oh we sure do once every 3 months), 
2. I don't know what exactly went wrong with my assignments,
3. My suggestions are usually foggy and somehow disappears within an email or two,
4. We don't have an update AFTER the meeting with your boss and;
5. Obviously we don't even know exactly what we're supposed to do (because I can suddenly be involved or be held responsible for the things I never was!).

How fucked can we get, eh? I love my job, seriously, jokes all aside. I love what I write (copy writing), uploading, updating whatnots, liaising with the media (occasionally), dancing from state to state to do my utter awesome social work (company, of course) and newsletters. I take that back. Not the quarterly newsletters. You don't know how painful the agony just coming up with one issue. And this time around, the due is within a week - guess what? My (stupid ass) team mate and I just got a mail not too long ago with a warning, here I indirectly quote, "Your participation is encouraged, however if your assigned task is not completed at all, you won't be joining". Means I don't get to go to the awesomest party ever in November. In also other words, I'm on leave and flying to Timbaktu. Honestly, my answer would've been "the fuck I care. Come at me bro". For all with guts, please raise your hands - no.

Boss, I'm sick of your fun and games, making me all demotivated and shit when you say you don't. I am so sick, I am so tempted to walk out here right now. I'm not doing it because of me, not you. I kinda miss my old boss who gave a shit about my progress no matter how much I have done and almost died from it, at least I lost weight. I can bet you with an eye or two that I've not gained any experience from my recent escapade from work, in fact everything just got worse! To think that a new boss would've oiled the gears in my work life, I beg to differ.

Am I at work now? Yea, sure am. In fact, I've got a tonne of stuff to complete by today and I'm busy typing out a storm on my blog. I'm tired and sick. I wanna get out of HERE.

Bloggie, there hasn't been anything fancy in the last month or so. Hence it was a full frontline machine gun massacre for today and I'll only post another rosy update sometime soon. Maybe one of our event which I've attended? Maybe.

Anyway, I love you lots bloggie. To the grave we go when the time comes; but I've got unfinished business tonight. 

It'll pass

Dear bloggie,

It's like every usual Saturday I'm at work again... It's getting more frequent if you ask me. Last week, it was a Sunday afternoon - thinking that correcting and aligning the newsletter would've just lasted for about a couple a hours; except that it waws multiplied by about two to three times?

I have, for the first time made the biggest mistake in my life. We're not talking about small step mistakes (maybe it was but hey, mistakes should always be corrected, right?), cause this was pretty major. Thankfully, I have my gut-witted (the fuck's this word?) super emotional self to bring up the topic with him and kinda talked about it. It was no surprise that we picked it up immediately and quickly let go of me; honestly, it was so quick, it happened within hours. Again, I am never, ever, going to touch the tip of the flame anymore.

My job these days are burning out... I think my boss isn't pressuring me enough. I love my job, but I'm somewhat loosening up from inside and I can't afford to let that happen. It's all so repetitive and boring and it's always the same old stuff which I keep missing - is it my fault, or someone elses or everyones? Anyhow if it must happen, please let it pass.

Mum's not getting any better since end last year after taking the "supposed-to-be-better-experimental-medications". Id that isn't any worse, she's getting weaker and she's losing faith in recovering as much as anyone in the house is - except my sister. I can't really blame her can I? She keeps smacking me in the head reminding me about "why are you so negative?", which makes perfect sense. Of course no one wants to let go of someone worthy enough to love. But everyday, we ask ourselves, how long will she take it and how long before we try to let her go in peace? The day will come when it comes - then again, let's not have a tidal wave.

I hope I wake up tomorrow and see more than just the day light or sun.

I think I'm going home in a bit. Gotta clear up this pile'a mess first because big momma comes back to the office on Monday!

See ya bloggie! Fingers crossed for a better tomorrow, but it should be better than today, right?



Posted: 28/7/12

Another day, staring at the ceiling

Dear bloggie,

Of all days I’m in the mood to actually start typing out my long voyage for the past month or so is the time I have to remember that I stabbed my left thumb with a safety pin because of my missing button at my tummy.

In March, an important person to us all including the greens left for good. Now, I’m not being nasty in any possible way. I’m just giving an honest opinion and being cruel. But he has taught us living ones a stern lesson – to cherish what we have now and don’t forget that life can be easily taken away. I do horrible at funerals. I not only arrived at the wake at the most emotional and sentimental part of all but the most depressing one. My biggest hate at a funeral is the hammering of the nails to seal the coffin. I can’t describe the feeling. Isn’t a great feeling anyway. However, I have a dumb question – why were there camera men and photographers at the funeral? And they were actually people whom we hired for events. Why?

It’s been an up and down road these days and weeks but it never gets any better. My job remains a whirlpool of confused thoughts of whether I should stay on this greening-ful job or kick-start a more exciting one. Again, I’m not sure, and most of all not ready in anyway. Was talking to him last night and realized a couple’a important things I should always keep track of; including my health. Promised myself to take some time before I truly decide – July, I’ll see you soon.

Recently, I realized I’m pretty alone most of the time, find it hard to trust people and I crave revenge and vengeance. Ever since he left, everything was just evil. There are days I snicker at the pain they face. Some other times, I weep at the silliest moments I’ve gone through. Had a few nice crushes yet they had to all go away… One failed me big time – loved me, cared for me and crushed me bigger time. God bless you little child of January. We’ll see where you’re off to for giving me a ride of my life, again. The other one was a darling, who was then again too much of a darling for me to have him as a darling. He was TOO rich (and so wrongly sexy. Oh, his dimples I love). It’ll pass.

On the bright side, I had a good time over my shopping sprees and most of them were spent with daddie. Got a few of these and a few of that and it keeps getting better! I knew I used to be pretty stingy when I was back in my school and college days. I only spend on what I earn enough; the rest goes to my piggy (which has upgraded into a decorative Indian box). Eat cheap, buy super cheap and save like mad. Reason being was I couldn’t even afford more than what I could spend (pocket money was constantly borderline!). Today, I live with no regrets whatsoever. Well, yes I had a few because I worked over my free time if not I’d spend most of it at the junkie because I truthfully enjoyed it. Lost some friends along the way too and most of it was, “Oh bother, she’s working again. Let’s not let her know”. Or something like that. Some held strong, kept me company while waiting for my dismissal and mosey off. Good times my friend, good times. But the satisfaction I get from spending on my family, giving them the best of what they deserve and needed all these time.

L-R: Berty, mybigfatarm (fuck, I look like I'm a tennis player here!) and Serene. No we weren't drunk but there was definitely alcohol consumption somewhere somehow.

The one thing that's been bothering me is this friend'a mine who comes to me, rants and asks for advice on his torn marriage - all because of his bad screwing habit. More to come in my next post.

I can’t believe I agreed to go on a mad diet with the rest of my team members and colleagues. Tis’ so mad, I’ll post about it in my next upload. Now, it’s getting late and granny here needs to get her brain sleep or she’ll probably not do any better and extend the to-do’s which has already been extend due to some brain farts; or over expectations from over achieving humans.

Till my eyes stay open, I love you tonners and tonners, take care and I will keep you intact again soon!

*posted on 020512*



L-R: Mybigfatarm, Berty and Lam at the National Sales & Marketing Convention in early March. We're half drunk if you wanted to know.

Dicey Dragon 2012

Dear bloggie,

It's almost the end of January; or the start of the Chinese (Lunar) calendar - Happy Chinese New Year!

One month back, I told myself, "D, you've gotta update your blog. It looks like a deadman's land now...". Well, that was a month back and looking at it now makes me laugh. I remember listening to people say that the time moves faster as you grow an age - wrong. It's just because we're always so darn busy with no time to breathe. Hence, time flies because we're so engrossed with the stuff we do as the time ticks.

I've finally planned my New Year's resolution (or CNY resolution since it's a little too far from new years')! To compare with what I had last year, I MUST say that losing weight is NOT my resolution. Instead...:

Resolutions

~ maintaining whatever I've lost so far (if I can do it, the rewards are fairly obvious)
~ cherishing and appreciating what I have around me (NOT to go look for happily-ever-nevers)
~ climb the ladder slow and steady (and watch out for flying daggers!)
~ toughen up my heart and soul (you'll notice lingering particles when the time comes)
~ remember to love myself no matter how dark the day turns (because no one else will)
~ a trip to the massage parlous every 2 months,

*shall insert updates along the way*

Wishlist (most have been covered last year, what's new this year?)

~ an under cut,
~ "elder sister", "younger sister" and "a peacock feather",
~ an extra piercing on each ear,
~ electronic gadget-less vacation for 5 days,
~ another wig, doesn't matter the color and length,
~ a puppy! Just kidding, seriously.

I surprised myself when I noticed the massive change of my previous wishlist and the current one as if I'm changing myself into someone else. But I've also realize how much I'm sick of my old self and want a change. My last break up seems to have contributed to the love of myself these days and that expectations in the future are usually never true. Except the fact that I have now a collection of 5 inch heels in my shoe closet as well as a handsome amount of dresses I used to adore.

Another suprising lesson I learnt was to keep my work where they belong and only bring my exhausted brain home for a moment of silence in bed till the next morning. I hated my job only 3 months ago. Now, my boss loves me. Ha-ha. It was a spanking good time at CNY Launch at Thean Hou Temple and the Permatang Tinggi events.

I feel like being childish and a woman suddenly.

No one will ever understand why too.

Goin' to Mum's place in a bit. Reunion dinner tonight, means I've gotta be a good daughter and help out tonight. Tonight, one last clean up and decide what to wear for tomorrow's family meet up at Ah Ma's...

So that's it from me today. A little upset from trying to be angel to others will my only response is none other than a devil's.

Love you bloggie, I guess the next update will be pretty far from now but once I get hold of my new cammie, I'll probably start updating more frequently. Take good care of yourself there while I'm away.