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Dear bloggie,

I was just curious if it was okay for me to feel all hurt and pain if someone important to you tells you that if they see you, they don't actually have anything to do anyway. Which is also the same to, there's no reason to see each other. Not sure if i should get angry, sad or happy about those words. Unless there was a better reason behind it. I don't know. Perhaps my sacrifices aren't as great as what he's did before. Mine's just tiny and possibly pathetic. Like how i'd stay up late just to see him and end up getting shot at because of his rough day. Or how'd i wait for a reply an entire, not AN but almost two days of reply. I have a strong feeling that i'm not sure why, if i really didn't call him at all, would he call at any point?

Selfish sometimes yes. With everything i have now, i dare to say that i am selfish all the time. Almost everything and everytime he's upset i'll be at fault. Because you know what you've been putting off and away but you don't know what the other party might be doing. Might not even be willing to tell you. He never asks how i am because he thinks i'm fine. All the time. I realy wonder how often or how rarely they did contact each other. Yet again, ignorance is bliss and keeping questions i know will just add salt to my wound, i'll keep them to myself.

Not too long ago, i found out that sometimes, your significant other doesn't necessarily will be your best or good friend. Not when there's close to no communication at all for a week. I do envy those around him. But what difference will it make if he just. I'm not sure just what but it's just.

Big question to me, am i sacrificing too much or do i think i sacrifice too much? Or is it because i don't know what's happening over at his side that he rarely tell me about it. Of course i'll ask, "how are you". For crying out loud, that's my signature question! But knowing that it's yours doesn't mean that ppl would ask the same. "Why do you never ask me how am i?" "I don't have to. You are fine. Aren't you?" Now, how do i answer that? Just so you know, not everyone's day is fine all the time. I just tell people i'm fine because there're times you just don't know how to tell them what's going on, or being a typical malaysian, you don't wanna tell anyone what's happen in your life or day. So, that would be the answer to that rubik's cube of why-he-never-calls. Because i'm fine all day and night round all 24/7. I'm fine. SO very fine. Keep assuming.

Am i really the one that's always selfish and wrong? Everytime something comes up or along, i'd be the one shot at. Or am i giving in because i'm afraid he'd leave me like what happened last christmas? I don't get it really. I'm always and it's seriously always me doing some mistake and i'd be the one with sorry. You never tell me anything you're thinking of or what's happening or happened; thinking and assuming that i can read your mind so i do understand it. No i really don't. Don't understand at all. I've never gotten into this pot of boiling water in my life before.

I don't do what i done anymore.But it sure hurts me. Did it hurt you when you try doing sometime you always do? Does it make you cry when you don't do it anymore? When you miss them so much you ignore your thoughts and just let them roll down your cheek. Knowing that they are occupied but you have nothing in your head but them. I did plan this weeks ago. I think i'll feel more glad keeping my thoughts within me and pretend as if i was fine. Even when i'm hurt or tired, or in pain or i'm sad. It didn't make me stronger. It got me weaker everytime i push them away.

TRuly, i hate missing you. Because everytime i pretend i'm fine, i'd end up crying so badly i wish i was dead. The wrong words that you say by accident makes it worse. And you don't know it but me.

All these, just so you know.