Paint me blue

Dear bloggie,

Yay i'm back from H.H. since monday~ But it wasn't such a happy happy thing. For all that i have said, i did enjoy my stay there (other than the exam...) and hoped i could stay a little longer. I had loads and loads of pictures taken from all those deep down frowns to those jolly good smiles! I mean loads LOADS - 350/++ pictures? =P Most of them are already up on facebook. Especially sis and mine~ and the scenery... And the millions of BluRR's expressions - who ever said she wasn't a good model! xD


















Yea we stayed by the church. Good spot wasn't it? =P Amen! And why there's a picture of pistachios? Thats the only thing i manage to get other than twirling tummy and popping pimples =DD But seriously, it's way too difficult to park on an island with loads of tourist (mainly malaysians) during the holiday season...!

Got back from a small meet up with my bud's yesterday and my first outta like months of traveling with the public. I panicked the night before thanks to my "i-can-remember-and-will-ask-around-(lateR)-for help" like later LATER. Haha.. it was hilarious really. Ever since i wasn't together, i stopped the public transport thingy and was usually picked up by friends along the way. Well was supposed to ask but, nah. It doesn't need to be forever to pick up lines of "learn to drive" from anyone. I never really like driving nor and other vehicles at all. All the one-in-one-car thing is just in my head. The bus wasn't such a bad idea after all since the traffic at Gardens and Midvalley were sardine packed! Yay for bus! But this is only like once after many many months...

Well, i was the first to reach since i don't fancy being late (thanks to daddy and mummy... >_>) AND the bus was early AND the traffic wasn't too bad. Made it outta the house about... 10am? Then to the Summit bus stop and on my journey for the morning went. Thanks Red for keeping me company for about the first 10mins of the journey =P at least there was company! Then Max came next and we went to the lounge and waited for the both of them. Yvie got stuck in the jam ^_^'' Last was Silvy but no avail when we tried to contact her since morning through msges and calls. Wonderfully, she called Max back when we were walking around Midvall - Overslept... Not sure why and how but haha... There's always another round of meeting up ^_^ To wait for my goods another round as well though.

YES! Tonight christmas party! WoooooOOOOOOoooooOOOO... Whats? I cannot be happy for a celebration that i've been waiting for all my months and is only invited to one?? Haha kids kids. The presents for family and their children all wrapped... And a tummy ready for what i heard, "Makes good beef rendang~" =DD Looking forward to it~

The best news out of all these could be the remake of Samurai Syakir.

"BANG JOJO"

"yo"

"eh, are you sure you wanna redo and remake the whole comic thing?"

"Why not?"

And so went the whole story and i ended up at his place the next morning super-brain storming the whole story and guess what, mmhm the characters names are all changed to non-malaysian names (yes there were malay and chinese names...) to norse, english, greek, scottish, pirate (lol) and and and alalalalal. La. A little too many to list down though ^_^''BUT, we finally manage to place SOME puzzles which were lost since years years back onto the board. Characters?

- Shane, Diana, Chelsea, Jarek, Adrian, Dr. Randy, Vernon, Syrus, James, Scott (peding), Ash(ton), Vasilios, Dr. Fear, Steve the Pirate, Serge "Big Guy" and the rest will be just appearing for a strip or two. -

Our next planning at home are places (their names) and the plots. Or rather since everything is so scrambled, the characters' background @_@. AND THE TITLE! OMG i can't believe we haven't managed the name yet......... Abang....................

What else what else... Oh craps. Yea. Christmas is tomorrow and the thought of just the word tingles me ^_^ Just wished there were people to celebrate it. Nope my parents and family (immediate) don't. Aunts are all away so yea. No party until like in January? That'll be pretty much New Year's Party ^_^'' These people... Oh well (again) See how it goes then!

Company. Bored. Frustrated. Repetitive nouns and verbs above my head almost all the time now. Sure is bored without your company and how frustrating it feels. Can't be asking too much now can i? You've got your own stuff to deal with and i.. I have close to nothing to do even when i'm online. Not like you are. Not like you'll call. Not like you'll msg me randomly. Not like you'll see me anytime soon (between these bygones). Not like you'll be here. Jealousy is an additional word.

Night bloggie - at 3pm~ Have a totally fun day while i party tonight =P Take care and i love you totally! Miss you ^_^

Burnt in the Breath of His Dragon

Dear bloggie,

I don't wanna leave home! xOOO For no good reasons! No it's not a vacation.. Vacations are fun. Vacations are happy. Vacations doesn't mean you need to bring your brain along! WARGH.

Oh and i found these pictures in my files of dust =P





Very interesting stuff i'd say. Blurr's already bugging me to make em >_> maybe next week aight...

I seriously think once i get back from H.H. (horrid holiday), AND if bang jo jo is free during my hols, i wanna go bunk at his place and we're start working on the comic! =DDD I'm so *gatal to continue the comic... He's been really, lazy. Oh well. For now, nothing to upload properly yet. Won't be around for about 4 days so might as well~ When i get back, it's gonna be another boring few days to welcoming the new year... Anyone wanna take me out? =P

Have fun bloggie when i'm away~ Take care and i love you lots. Night. Sweet dreams and god bless!

In His Web You Got Caught In

Dear bloggie,

I can't believe i'm not reading up for my finals which starts tomorrow... Here i am, sitting in front of the pc doing nothing but day (evening) dream.

Amusing how a person like me never really learn from mistakes just because her heart tells her to ignore. Therefore, the brain is not working properly. I remembered how Ugly Truth thought me about a perfect man and those dream guys every girl melts for. Hopeless romantics anyone?


I've always wanted someone i can look up to,

I've wanted someone who could take me out in his car,

walked with me in the park,

sleep in his bed of his house,

could afford a vacation for two,

meals on occasional weekends,

keeps me updated only when needed or when asked,

teach me a's to z's,

who can cook meals and help me with house chores,

who can mix with my friends and family,

who's funny and jovial like my mother,

who can play his guitar and sing me to bed,

stay up and look at me when i sleep,

instead of me looking at him when he sleeps all the time,

paint my nails and i paint his,

who suddenly drives me to the beach and lie beneath the blanketed starry night,

so i can tell him everything on earth he can listen to,

lie on him without complaining i'm too heavy,

waltz with me when a slow song plays at a retail shop of a mall,

who gives roses on valentines and my b'day,

hangs out at his place on friday nights for movies with chips and wine,

stares attentively as i put on my make up,

his family love me as much as my side,

sing at the lounge together and embarrass ourselves,


and continue to day dream without remembering anything i've read since morning!

I was reading Comm and Media Ethics past few days ago and needed to rest my brain. Didn't seem to have happened the correct way...





My first time and i really do love them. They're the lovers, midnight navy and platinum pearl. I should start on something Christmas-y. Talking about Christmas, this is gonna be another dull boring event of the year that i've been looking forward to. Moral of the story, do not look forward to anything; particularly your b'day. I'm deprived from a b'day cake! WARGH.

Mum going to somewhere. 3rd aunt going somewhere with family. 4th aunt going somewhere with family. Friends going somewhere with family! Wrong people inviting me out with the wrong reasons! Christmas. Tis ain't the season to be jolly (for once)? Should i be santarina again this year? Perhaps not looking at it from last year AND my b'day. Santarina turn Grinch lol~

G'night bloggie... I need and must read up my notes as much as i can now. No turning back and i so no look forward to my "vacation" this coming weekend. I seriously, desperately want a vacation! Good Christ bless me pls! Take care and i'm loving you lots.

She Who Holds Two Blades

Dear bloggie,

I'm so sleepy... And i'm going out almost every night... But at least mum isn't making too much noise though =P anyway, i've been ok here. I think. Hanging around on the pc is just so so so so so so boring these days. Should start kicking up flash games again~

Was gonna post this up like weeks and weeks ago but... sowwie~ Got this on my b'day for mummy which was really weird. I mean, you get stuff for your mum on your b'day?



And you can guess all you want for this. They're my fav candy since i was a kid and i can't believe i actually still remember it so well ~>



I'm still thinking really hard if i should carry on with the ass shaking. Been hunting on the belt for sometime now and found out that summit DOES sell it! But it's 50bucks for pete's sake... Second hand really goes back to the owner because most people usually only take classes either really short term, or really long term. So, choose human being. To buy, or not to buy!

Tomorrow's a Saturday. The coming Monday, finals. The Sunday itself, Toefl (the wasting money and time paper). Stress...




If only.

Anyway, this was done a student in college and i find her work pretty good although it's not really a pro's job but it turned out lovely and i love love love love love, henna/mehandi!





This is all for now. So there we have, she who holds two blades. I can't wait for SS! xO

Night bloggie! Have fun (i will tonight! xP)~ Sweet dreams and God blesses <3 Take care...

The Man with a Katana

Dear bloggie,

Yes! I finally crashed bang jo jo's place... After like months and months of missing him... because he's so jahat. But it was great to see a.. li..yah? i forgot how to spell her name again. She's just so adorable.

"Come help me bake daddy's cake! It's his b'day!"

"When's his b'day?"

"Uh... Monday!"

"..."

Her dad's b'day was months ago f.y.i. =3

"Mummy who is this jiejie? She's really nice! I like her so much! Can she stay with us please?"

"Sayang, every tom, dick and harry is nice and you want them to stay,"

Her mum told me she said that. Adorable. She's really a small talking machine that only stops when she sleeps or naps. Like seriously.

And that is why i remembered Samurai Syakir! His old remake of a few classmates who turned anime characters in his comic strip! Here's a small picture i dug from my old files. I miss this comic and Rief and i was bugging him the whole day about another remake! Or better the 4th~

Here's what it looks like after him in TOA ~






Neat stuff eh?

But i miss him and Rief a lot. They're just so lovable.

"Eh you've been to aussie right? Why don't we plan a holiday vacation thingy??" I said and looked at Rief.

"Why not. I'm ok with it," Rief answered.

"..." yes bang jo jo just went, speechless.

And so Rief and i looked at each other and just ignored him. So much so that, when we do that, aliyah goes, "yea he's talking nonsense again" because he does talk nonsense eventually! Like some really weird phrase!

I've recently started kicking up some moves on the hips and belly now. Improved and i'm really happy i did~ My next mission to go to pyramid, maybe with A. Jessy tomorrow and get that belly belt like i've always wanted to... Oh the passion of doing the dance is so lovely. I'll keep practicing on it. Wish me luck!

G'night bloggie! I'll keep this place warming up~ Take care and i love you lots!

Warm in your arms

Dear bloggie,

Another day for me to past and move. But i can't. So here i am again, stuck to my seat typing all these.

It was interesting how i could've gone and see the ADUN of DU this afternoon to interview him on OCD with the rest of the last group and yes he speaks with "read-between-my-lines" the politician style... He's also a clinical psychiatrist who's experienced but for how many years i forgot to ask... Yes i was rushing duh. They finished with their questions but i wasn't yet because i'm not their group member and it would make a big difference especially when the take a group picture and i'm not in it but was asked to take for them instead.

I'm actually a little curious with something. When you have a depressed friend who seem to have gone through a trauma and is grieving, what do you ask them and how do you talk to them? I don't wanna hurt you and say the wrong things like i always do (i never say anything right anywhere either) because i am more to the emotional side and things sure aren't gonna get any better. If they are having a trauma and you know that you're the only one who can help them, do you leave them be and is convinced that they're alright when they say they are?

It's 0020 now and i can't sleep. My eyelids are heavy and are draping up pretty soon... I'm really tired. Of everything that's happening right before my eyes. When you said, you only project how happy you are in front of many, i know how you feel. Because i feel the exact thing you do now... You laugh with them; you smile with them; you jump with them. But yet, you feel the torment in yourself like no other whether they are there with you or not because the only thing that keeps up with you are flashbacks. The lost you have and pain that scarred. I know how you feel my love... I just didn't know how obvious is to look at that is all.

Like no other isn't it?

I tried calling you. But my hands go numb, my eyes stare at your name on my contact list, my heart race faster than a race itself. Because i know if i dialed that number on the screen, i could regret for the rest of my life like i always do. I'm afraid my love... Where are you when i need you... I'm loosing my hair just thinking about you.. About your tender touch in my heart and warm hugs that keeps me alive... Why are you leaving me here alone again? Am i scaring you away? But why? Don't you love me as much? Or am i mirroring myself like i have?

Everything i turn to now seem like a lie; other than the ticking hand on the clock that moves by its every second and minute. Even that teases me.

"Close your eyes child," whispers his gentle breath down my shoulder.

"Sleep and rest your mind as how your body needs it too... Let's not be selfish," her porcelain hands brushes my hair and gently places it on her shoulder.

"We will keep you safe for now as you go deep in slumber," he said as a small curve marks his lips.

"We will keep you away from your pain as you go deep in slumber," she said while patting and brushing gently.

"We will make sure you remember that we're all that's worth living for," they said at once by my ears, one on each side; smirks on their naked lips.


Take care bloggie. This place will be all that's worth living for. G'night! Sweet dreams and god bless~

Cheers

Dear bloggie,

I've been going through a lot lately. Then again, doesn't seem so much at all. Just too much from the same things.

These days, i sit alone starring into space just thinking. Even at drinks with my pals, i would either just stand my the pool table and twirl the glass a little and sip on every few seconds or isolate myself by another nearby empty table playing with my glass and sipping by the seconds. Sometimes, i do thank god i don't have bottles... No wait i do have bottles at home that i just don't touch. Okay whoops my bad.

Anyway, i've been going through a lot of sites about stress, depression and traumatic site recently. And realized i matched some of them. But i thought to myself, "How long/many days for an event to happen to be considered depression?" for depression and for traumatic experiences. They say do NOT isolate yourself away from others; but it doesn't seem to work at all. I try so hard to be with others but it won't happen. My friends are unaware of what's happened to me and for some reason i am suffering all i've been going through silently and i refuse to let some know. Why'd i need to parade what i've been suffering with everyone else? And i thought to myself, "that wasn't how i used to take things". Because i'd share my life with everyone i loved and it means the happy and sad side of my life. Question is, do people share depression with others? Is what i'm going through considered depression? Why am i so depressed?

I don't wanna trouble you for listening. I just hope you would but you have other more important things in life to settle and i could be a minor part with no significance and true enough have i been bugging your work life these days. I promised myself i won't be in your way anymore once this is over. Hard to push the fact away that you're the only one who knows it but yet you react this way. No one else knows about it and i'm dying silently by the second.

Now, i have a million and one things to just think of. It's pretty dangerous to leave me alone suddenly. All managing stress and traumatic events site keeps saying avoid alcohol and isolation and unhealthy ways. I'm split into so many worlds for listening. For once, i'm actually doing all these on my own. Friends told me, "I have changed from a traumatic event and here i am today," but i listen with believe; unexpectedly it mirrored onto me and it was my turn to see things differently.

Why this way? How my heart feels the raking pain for every claw that draws bitter tears from my dry eyes. Every touch, smell, sound, voice, memory, sight cuts like it never did before.

Where are you... I dearly need you so...

"Don't you dare do anything written there. I'll slap you if you did; like now"

I'm sorry. It's already devouring me up now... I really am sorry...

No One

Dear bloggie,

I'd be a liar if i did say i've been good all these weeks. Because they haven't. Every night i close my eyes i see regret, i see pain, i see guilt; although it isn't my fault. But because of the path i have chosen, i reluctantly drag myself to every passing second and it's killing me. It hurts so much and i can't find anyone or thing to tell to because i don't wanna let everyone know about it. They're always busy with their own things or just occupied with their priorities which i can't blame them for though i might have just emptied some of my own space to listen to them.

Every morning now, i wake up and see pain and guilt. If i had a chance to change this, i would. Yes i regret what i did and i wish i could go back. I always tell people that i don't like regretting and i never want to but to learn from the mistakes done and take it as an experience. They always say never say never, and i believed. But why does it hit me in my face now? For the wrong reasons. I'm so scared now. It's not even when i close my eyes that i see it; but every time my mind lingers. When friends are around talking about everything below the sun, i can be looking and listening but not paying attention. My heart hurts from this feeling and my mind hurts from thinking of it involuntarily...

I wish i was dead.
I wish i never chose this way.
I wish i never trusted you.
I wish, time would move faster...

I miss you so much... You're alone now. And you're not here with me... And you left me here alone dying... Why'd you leave me... I'm nothing without your existence... I need you to live on... Please don't leave me here alone... I'm afraid... Please come back to me...