Cheers

Dear bloggie,

I've been going through a lot lately. Then again, doesn't seem so much at all. Just too much from the same things.

These days, i sit alone starring into space just thinking. Even at drinks with my pals, i would either just stand my the pool table and twirl the glass a little and sip on every few seconds or isolate myself by another nearby empty table playing with my glass and sipping by the seconds. Sometimes, i do thank god i don't have bottles... No wait i do have bottles at home that i just don't touch. Okay whoops my bad.

Anyway, i've been going through a lot of sites about stress, depression and traumatic site recently. And realized i matched some of them. But i thought to myself, "How long/many days for an event to happen to be considered depression?" for depression and for traumatic experiences. They say do NOT isolate yourself away from others; but it doesn't seem to work at all. I try so hard to be with others but it won't happen. My friends are unaware of what's happened to me and for some reason i am suffering all i've been going through silently and i refuse to let some know. Why'd i need to parade what i've been suffering with everyone else? And i thought to myself, "that wasn't how i used to take things". Because i'd share my life with everyone i loved and it means the happy and sad side of my life. Question is, do people share depression with others? Is what i'm going through considered depression? Why am i so depressed?

I don't wanna trouble you for listening. I just hope you would but you have other more important things in life to settle and i could be a minor part with no significance and true enough have i been bugging your work life these days. I promised myself i won't be in your way anymore once this is over. Hard to push the fact away that you're the only one who knows it but yet you react this way. No one else knows about it and i'm dying silently by the second.

Now, i have a million and one things to just think of. It's pretty dangerous to leave me alone suddenly. All managing stress and traumatic events site keeps saying avoid alcohol and isolation and unhealthy ways. I'm split into so many worlds for listening. For once, i'm actually doing all these on my own. Friends told me, "I have changed from a traumatic event and here i am today," but i listen with believe; unexpectedly it mirrored onto me and it was my turn to see things differently.

Why this way? How my heart feels the raking pain for every claw that draws bitter tears from my dry eyes. Every touch, smell, sound, voice, memory, sight cuts like it never did before.

Where are you... I dearly need you so...

"Don't you dare do anything written there. I'll slap you if you did; like now"

I'm sorry. It's already devouring me up now... I really am sorry...