Descent

Dear bloggie,

Last night was probably one of my most horrible night ever. The feeling of insecurity and being unsheltered flooded me and I flooded Tinky. worst of all, I lost hope of living. It's a personal reason and probably won't be sharing it to anyone else in the world.

Several nights ago, a harsh bitter argument was provoked by accident, or by mummy's worry over me. She was extremely disappointed in me and broke down in front of me and the living room turned silent immediately. I took my phone and walked straight into the room, grabbed Tinky and Bobok and listen to a few calming songs while I cried away. Well probably because no one else who knows or experienced what I have would never understand how its like. I too broke down and sobbed for an hour or more - leading me to missing my evening class because of extremely swollen eyes and unstable emotions/mood/senses.

For another time life ( I don't know how many times it has been, but this I know was pretty bad), I just needed a good outlet; a person I can speak to and share my thoughts. But there weren't anyone who was there this time. It was like trying to look for someone you can fully trust your life with and speak to but for some reason, there was no friend nor stranger for me to personally approach. Everyone's leading their own lives with their own problems and own issues to deal. I tried telling you what happened but apparently too you prefer cursing your ex and telling me about something else which wasn't important. Okay so fine, it was a big celebration for you that she's finally decided to ruin her life THAT way. I couldn't be bothered really. Do you really think I was going to come skipping by and tell you that "Do you know my ex ________? GOD YES. Finally! Serves the fucking right"? Well, no I wasn't going to. To think that you were the right person for me to share my good and bad, the bad was just "not interesting" anymore. I know your job is tiring and crazy and everything is about work now. Sometimes, I don't know how to place myself. You asked me why and so I tell you and that's it? And you just leave? I know there's no right for me to order you or command you to listen but as a partner, why? I do understand that you want to tell me and share with me your happiness for what's happened, but this isn't the correct time? Really. I know TOO that it's bad for me to add in the pressure and stress, but where's that person I really need suddenly? My friends aren't around anymore. I thought they would be but all of them decided to have it their own way. There's no one else I trust in life now and now for real, there's no one who'll be there. I tried calling a few here and there but I was ignored. I'm just really lonely, you know? In the Sims 3 term, it's also called stir crazy from being at home without anyone such as friends for forever. I can't even remember the last time I went out! Where is everyone?

Seriously, I'm not having any fun here. I'm not even happy to begin with! I cannot share too much with my family because they are a part of me, but they aren't suppose to be everything of me! Is there any time on earth I can have other people around me?? I don't want my family to worry about me anymore! I'm big enough not to report everything to them! Why is everyone so far???

I'm so tired. So sleepy. I haven't slept well, ate well, rest well. Even the computer chatting sessions have been dull and boring. Now that mum and I haven't been in good terms, I don't even have a "family" to tell anything to. I thought it'll be really cool and strong for me to keep things away from anyone, pretend to be all good but it's been eating me and thinking that I'm depressed, I'm also not? Aren't depressed people most of the time ignorant of food sleep entertainment? Why am I still so normal? I still eat, think, sleep, rest, play. I've been sick too because of irregular food although I'm eating, thinking, sleeping, resting, playing.

Sad isn't it when there actually isn't anyone who's there to protect and help? Tinky... Was surprisingly the best company anyone can have when you have no one else. You know, I really thought I was okay and strong enough. Looks like I've been wrong too. Poor Tinky was bathing in tears! Oh I love her so much. She's always my baby...

I sinned badly again. But He knows why. I love doing it. Everytime I do, my day turns out better eventually. It's really was nasty, so PLEASE BLESS ME. And forgive me...

Amen. Finish. The End. I'm going off now. Can't stand being online waiting forever. Take care! Night! Bye. Love you lots bloggie... I haven't been well and I hope you understand me like you always have... Take good care'a yerself aight? I love you lots. I do. I'm just REALLY angry, tired, sad, lack'a sleep, hungry, nauseas, uncomfortable, extra sad, more exhausted and, glad.

Hisssss the snake

Dear bloggie,

Nope. No posts came in yesterday because of the silent effect left by myself. Haha... Okay so there weren't anything much that was rather entertaining or worth the post. Today however...

I have this crazy thing about myself where I believe all these years, I have deliberately been scaring guys away. Too honest? Maybe... Too emotional? Couldn't agree further! Now you see, the farneest (=P) that could probably happen is when I was in kindergarten. Please don't go spreading this around. It's embarrassing but worth the experience and sharing. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm being too honest with guys and that they can't take it. My approach is simple. You flirt - I get attracted; IF I am, you back out, you're cursed to damnation. Happened in several occasion which shall not be mentioned but yes, AND no it's not funny neither it is entertaining. Do respect the feelings of others especially this Scorpion who is extremely offended by your "touch the flame" trick. Besides, who likes an icy cold bathe during winter. I feel that what I have told, inform, share and talk about are sensible talks and to have you listening means I have your trust and I know somehow, you are respected. If you don't feel like it's worth the listen or share, back off immediately. I can take things seriously if misunderstood, anyone can not just me. Rule #1. Level of trusting others should be raised big time!

Anyway, that really isn't the point of today. The point is this:

The craziest purchase I have ever done in my life, I got shooting from daddy because of the price. And that too won't be mentioned... IT's a collectors item actually. Oh, what's that? It's a "model car Volvo S40 T-5 (?) 2006 in silver met(matte or met?)" says the seller. I'm yet to see the REAL product and item~ Really excited now that I just found out it's been shipped not too long ago by Max, a German seller. Interestingly, he actually gave me a feedback immediately after he shipped the car! So I have one "star" rating~ =3 I interviewed mummy on the color and stuff before I actually purchased this thingy. My first thought was to tell daddy about this purchase so he wouldn't freak out (like he always does considering the price - more than my monthly allowance: NO I'M NOT WORKING ANYMORE!!!). Sadly, he obviously and expectedly did... He wasn't happy with the idea, even looking at him freaked him out! "AAARRGGGHH THE PRICE! HOW ON @#!*)%#! DID YOU MANAGE TO FORK OUT CASH???" - exaggerated but you get the point right? But she knows somehow that I'd get it for her. She might think it was a joke, but it's me. I know it, want it and will eventually get it if I can afford. She doesn't have a chance in life to drive the @!(%#$& car! So I'll just bring the 1:43 scale sized version. When it arrives, pictures will be expected and good ones they will be! =D

I'm so tired... My group mates just informed me that they totally relied on my jotting downs on the visit and now everything that we have is what I've written and I have horrible memory... The video played is, is not enough! How can anyone on earth rely on one person to do such a thing! HELP ME!!! What else is next? The video is still in progress. The slides, oh right. I HAVE TO prepare the point forms from MY notebook because NO ONE else decided to take down anything. No i'm not a robot just so you know... I'm so tired of repeating... There's no initiative in all individuals. If they worked with someone else in the future, they'll do okay; but there's a high possibility they'd get hurt in the process. I hope they've at least learnt something a long the way while relying on me *SIGH*... There another presentation after Deepavali. That's gonna be a tougher one since that is so critical, it's about Berkerley the philosopher. Kilkenny dude/philosopher/priest. Neat guy. Gotta go study about him. My group leader found a superb idea too - a sketch! More work, but most effective in educational grounds AND extra points. Bogusssss~ Haha! Can't wait. But there's another presentation for Consumer Behavior... Gotta look for more products to do a survey and research and prove the research! I'm so tired. 'm losing hair again. I think I'll go shave on my 21st.

Recently (for the past WHOLE week) I have been receiving Maybank "emails" in my spam/junk box asking me to 'log-in' to claim etc or "have a new secure message" or "important message/urgent message". I wonder if I should do something about it other then staring at it everytime I check my inbox, like calling Maybank up for real and check with them about this trend because *checks* I have good 16 "secure" messages asking me to log-in to an account that I have never registered, apply nor visited. How cool is that? =D Do I REALLY have an account ready for me?? Yessss. God blesses.

I too recently have been really scouting for these babies which were told to look "gay":

Aren't they just gorgeous? It is so difficult to get something simple these days especially a nice BLACK SIMPLE pair of wedge pumps. So much for the 60s, 70s & 80s fashion blooming in. Well yea sure there are LOADS of pumps and wedges these days but... They too jeng for my already jeng feet =3 These particularly are from Michael Kors & Cassie's Wedge Pumps. I'm still looking or a comfortable pair which I can actually fit in perfectly. No I'm not Cinderella with a size 4. At the same time, there should be a platform. Good for the height AND the feet. The pressure isn't there for the balls of the feet and it is more comfy. Great advise from the lady in Summit. Who doesn't love that place anyway? =P But seriously, I'm dying for a pair like these. My chance I missed was months back when I went shopping with a friend and found a pair which was about 1 or 2 sizes bigger than mine but was easily settled by a little extra padding and patching; but I was looking for something more stilt-y? And thought totally wrong now. Regret it a lot and to look for something SIMILAR to what I saw, is such a hole in my heart now... And it's SO difficult to look for a decent pair of shoes for my wide WIDE feet... *sigh* I'm also dying to go for a nice shop one of these days. Maybe on a weekday or Sunday? Does does Sunday look good? Not so much. Family day. Again. And I bet you mum's gonna drag us out to go look for stuff for hew new place! Arghh... The torture! The agony! The cool air cond of the retail~

Shoe oh shoe... Heels or heels... Come to me... *chants* So if any of you noticed these pair, similar, now similar means looks EXACTLY. I know there are loads out there but they have those la-la stuff on top that I cannot fancy. No ding-a-lings/chains/flower(maybe this is reasonable)/heart/rhinestones etcs. The sole of the wedge should be touching ground or ALMOST touching. I'm looking for the one with the sole flat on the ground. Stability is everything baby! So yay~ Can't wait to go walk around and find something like that *hearts like crazy*!

Nothing left to exaggerate tonight. Haha... There's a hole in my pocket now... I've got one more person who still owes me money. Not sure how to ask anymore because I've been asking and wanting to ask but eventually there ain't enough somewhere *sigh* I need my money too... At least for other purposes and personal reasons... Please? Pretty please? With cherries on top? Oh well. Why don't money fall down from the sky like rain! It isn't raining either! This morning was cold darn it! No heater! Argh!

Good night bloggie~ I'll update when I find something interesting to post up again. Till then, I'm too tired to even lie down. Join me in the nothingness of Halloween this year. They're probably having loads'a fun at college now. Thrill-O-Ween. as looking forward to the event dressed as a snake. Read about Mallika Sherawat (I hate her too) in her new Hollywood movie - Hiss. No I didn't think of it AFTER but the idea was BEFORE it was on the papers. Now I'd look like a gimmick. Ahh the sadness.

The movie poster. Credits to http://www.moviesonline.ca/movie_posters.php?id=14619

And this is how she looked like for one of her movie photo shoots:

Okay I'm leaving now. So much for nothing to blog about yesterday! Today, I have TOO many things to share! Anyway, take good care of yourself bloggie... I'll see you soon, perhaps tomorrow or the next day's blog will overflow again. Night! Have fun and bye! =D

The Truth

Dear bloggie,

The same questions are being asked for the PAST weeks and days: What do you want for your b'day? Honestly, I do know it's my 21st and it's a really REALLY big b'day celebration thingy and Mum has been already asking to the point Jin Kohko also asking already... But the best thing is still his budget. Hahaha~

Remember picture I was telling you yesterday? I know it looks real nasty, but check the difference~ Haha... Now you can tell how un-confident I am when I don't really have my makeup on for any shoots. The picture below, left - no makeup; right - with makeup (no I didn't make up the bridge. I'm really surprised that I actually have such a visible one! Yay~ *hearts*):

Again, nothing much happened today - it's mummy's b'day! No doubt~ And i forgot about it till somewhere midmorning. Oh the lameness...~ I had a plan to get her the Volvo S40 model car (no not A model), the 1:43 scale version which is super neat and I found it on eBay. Next mission, is to pay up and before that, look for a person who has an account! Yea I saved up a bunch for it but I have never expected it to be like, almost RM200 @_@ That is a lot of money, but included the shipping fees. Can you imagine the parcel from Germany to Malaysia? I'm just too glad to be true that there IS shipping to this Gor-forsaken-no-one-in-Europe-who-sends-parcels-to place. Looking forward for the purchase and give her a surprise. My next best was an oven. But her current one is still working. Punyer la fail again~ Hahaha... Since there really is nothing else, and there's no chance we'll be driving that car, I'll get her something she loves though not able to sit in it.

Couz came over just now and asked me to help him buff his nail.

"Eh that day you do my nail already right, smooth. But there's this one finger ah, got this straight line exactly on the nail le"

So he's currently a little obsessed with nail do and beautifying his nails~ He's got nice nails and it's such an easy thing to do - buff. A little rub here and here and tadaa!

Tonight is definitely boring... Chatted a lot with Ardikssy but still felt a little empty and I'm not sure why. So far, Earthbound is getting on my nerves because I've come to a level which is so annoying; almost since the beginning of the game, I've had other characters to back up and did a lot of planning and experienced earned based on them. Now, I have to settle the battles alone and the 'monsters'/'robots'/'aliens'/'weird stuff' are in a different level. Time to really buck up on my ALONE experience eh? Gonna be taking forever but... I'll try.

Off to bed for me tonight! Finally got an answer from you about "not answering soon enough". Time really is our enemy sometimes, and help us so much some times. Glad you were on last night for you short break. Hope you enjoy the pictures I sent you though. They were so shaky and blur, it really got into my nerves too!

Praying for a better tomorrow... Night bloggie... Take care! Sweetz~~ I'll update again tomorrow with hopefully more interesting topics. Today's topics = bad. No good. Very bad. Loving you a whole bunch bloggie! Bye!~

Petals of the Rose

Dear bloggie,

I officially CANNOT use this "<" symbol anymore! It is super annoy-hing because I'm such a heavy emoticon userrrrrr. Anyway, I did a new smexy retro-ish Christina Aguilera/ Dita Von Tesse eyedo~ And I'm totally loving it. Also I have realized that I cannot outter-V too dark (or I'll look like someone punched me in the face =B). Matched the eyes with a nice Cherry Crushed red color with no gloss (for once!). I was told once that glossy lips can mean that the model looks greedy. What say you? Haha...

However, the pictures really screwed up like almost big time because I thing my mood was a little unstable today. Not sure why, had those good happy sweet thoughts but didn't pass at all. OKAY. I just found out that the pictures need editing. Like A LOT of editing... (be it like blurness, pores or rotating - can't decide if it should be leftrightcentersideways)

After I realized the cherry red lipstick was too "jeng" I removed it and applied a more subtle color. A combination of good ol' Lord & Berry lip crayon in Brown Crystal and a little coral colored gloss from Maybelline which I forgot the name already... I think there's something wrong with my lower jaw today. Check out the alignment man... It's just so, jutting out! Too fat kuar =P

Nothing much really happened today either. I thing the things that have been happening is the house! It's gone totally mad! The pipes keep getting clogged, the faucet keeps leaking after a whole 10 times (exaggerated), the parquet keeps popping out and killing out feet... And so and so. Oh well... On the 18th next month, we're in this house for officially 9 years~ Woohoo... Can't tell if it's a good thing or not but hey, 9 good years =)

Not sure why but I keep thinking about Daniel Henney... He's so SO HOT. Like, even looking at him melts you! Just imagining him makes me melt! I feel like a fangirl again yay~ Ahhh.. The pleasure! Hahaha... Ehem. He's hot. OKAY. Not a question. It's a statement!

Anyway, I left this alone while I was out for a little supper with a friend a moment ago. Great meal with a great person. It was a small gift from me to him for his efforts in his college for being the only student who answered the 20marks question in the class. Kudos to him! =D He told me something rather interesting just now, "From my perspective, as a guy, you need to know that it can be hard for us to cheat on your girls. This is because of if we really do love you a lot, like a WHOLE LOT, temperatures rise almost instantly when we know there's another guy close to you". It kinda spark me a little but it was a very interesting topic. For once, it's good to hear it from a guy who's wanting a relationship too! Cute~

When I arrived home, I took my makeup off one side of my face and compared. The picture is still in the camera but I'll post them out tomorrow =P And the nails, I didn't quite take any pictures because somehow, the pictures today all turned really bad. Not to mention how blur they are, is it my shaky hand or just the camera? Hmmm...

This should really be it for tonight considering that there weren't many things happening today... So, g'night bloggie! Take care~ Love you lots and lotser and the days pass! I'll update again tomorrow! Bye ^_^

Crushed Cherries

Dear bloggie,

Today kinda sucked because of my midterm quiz... It's officially the worst, next to the Social Psych quiz two years back... THAT, was totally horrible to the point I believed that I was gonna be failing the paper BUT I didn't so yay end of story.

It was a great start of the day since I had the oh-always-so-sweet i.national friend to a nice chat. Or also a ranting session or a share emotion session with him... He was such a great listener and his advise for once, was international. And also for once, he did NOT side my opinion and told me a different perspective which I really enjoy listening to; not that my close ones here are not helpful but sometimes a little something different does change one's p.o.v. I was living on and in doubt recently. Not because I love doubting and enjoy it, but sometimes when we're away, unavoidable thoughts come lingering and we tend to slip into them because. Because. And so, he told me not to fall for them if we truly believe in each other. However, I do wish we can at least be in a smoother flowing conversation in the future... I can't believe you didn't read any of my emails I sent last week though. And the only way we could've communicated is through emails, private messengers and sometimes through my blog. Disappointed yes. Frustrated yes. Sad maybe a little. Angry no. I did feel kinda selfish yesterday although you were chatting with mama and papa, and it was kinda wrong too.

I just wanted you to be around with me for as much as you could be with them. I mean, I wouldn't know if you'd reply them sooner than me or get back to them way quicker than me. So doubt is again on its come back. I really miss you and wanted to have more than a regular "how is your day" or "what was for dinner". Great for you to have the company while I don't here though. And about the pictures. Don't even get me started. You posted everything on FB and it's not like how it used to be? We have our personal time sharing and telling each other stories about it, no more? Guess it was suppose to happen yesterday; but didn't. I couldn't open the pictures. I looked at them and was already so heartbroken so I closed them immediately *sigh*. And there were so many many many albums. And I didn't even get to see your room yet. And everyone else you know have already seen all your pictures. Yay. Sure is fun.

It's daddy's b'day today~ Mummy bought a cake for him for the first time and she, and he was really happy. It was so amusing how he actually hinted to me when we were in Baker's Cottage that we should buy a cake - for fun and eat it. For a person who's really super thrifty (and calls me the impulse buyer), this didn't make any sense at all! Happy B'day Daddy! Love you lots and we wanted to get you a gift. We kinda got excited and ready too... But you might not really like it. Yet. So, till Ah Wong confirms, we'll surely get it for you! =D

I think I should just get to bed now. My head is already pounding from fatigue and lack of sleep. Couldn't really sleep that well last night... I doubt I'll be able to sleep any better tonight. I painted my nails though. And my favorite color too - Revlon: Cherry Crush.

This is how the bottle looks like. The picture of my nails will be out tomorrow for sure =)

This above however, was quite a let down. It's a great product but when I try to apply a color coat, it will be too "smooth" that my brush will eventually pick up the wet coat on my nails and there'll be a naked spot which totally sucks... I have to go over it and make sure it's even again. Not so fun since it's time consuming. Thought of giving it a shot since it works as both top and base AND care coat. Pretty neat eh?

Hope you enjoyed the little 4 pictures and their tiny description. Have fun there~ Take care of yerself for now! I'll be in my good comfy bed (trying real hard to sleep!) =P Good night bloggie... I'll update again tomorrow hopefully with more goodies - pictures. Till then, sweet dreams and I love you lots and lots. Miss you a bunch too! Byez~

The Olde Bell

Dear bloggie,

I was advised not to have too many "<" in my emoticons so there'll a huge reduction of annoyed looks. You'd be happy now won't you?

Yesterday, there was a lot of out and about's. Let's see... What happened... I knew that I went on a big time review for some E.L.F. stuff and some corsets (though I know very well that they're just simple dreams and erasable ones too). But other than that, I know there weren't much that happened; unless chicken rice for dinner was a plus point, then yes! Haha...

Today particularly was rather saddening and joyous at the same time. Tiles it is for SPAR. No laminated wood... Oh the pain in my heart. Went for a good look-see-look-see with mum and dad for their new place - lightings, tiles, doors, bathroom stuff but no furniture yet. I'm looking forward for sure in joining them on their furniture hunt!

In the afternoon, the whole family spent our time on doing almost nothing except me with the reviewing again =P while waiting for you to get on (IF you would) and that lasted till about 4pm. Then we went out again~ For more look-seeing and then back home, I taught mum some Eyedo-101: Mascara-ing and eyelash care. Surprisingly, daddy seemed very interested! He was like, "WHOA! That's how you curl your lashes?? OH there!" then "It's roundish so you can curl it... And follow your eyeshape?" occasionally "I see I see". Rather, fascinating to watch your daughter do her eyes fancy~ haha... Dad on the other hand was falling-asleep-bored-to-death-interested! It's boring if you aren't interested at all I have to say. Mum, is gonna have a hard time getting used to lash curling... But, practice makes perfect! =D She'll be fine. I hope?

Yay you're on tonight! Afternoon! Any time for the matter! I totally saw your burns, cuts and bruises! You were in the battle field weren't you...? Those are nasty, NASTY marks! And finally the Rurouni Kenshin burn on your forearm... You really gotta be more careful with yourself... I understand that you gotta be quick, like real quick and rushed and stuff but this really isn't the way to treat yourself unless if you're being paid a whole pile'a cash! Worries me a lot; but what can I do? =/ Oh well... Seriously, please be more careful? Loving you lots but doesn't mean I'd love you hurting yourself that way... Glad you're on and we managed to talk a little though not much, gotta see your pink cheeks a little too and so far, that's gonna have to last for another week or so. Mama and papa's hogging my time too now! Hahaha! Hope they're doing real good there. I know they miss you way more than me since they ARE your parents.

I'm so crazy over corsets again since Vienna boy told me about the ones he saw at Vienna. Now I'm really so hurt and sad that he didn't know my fetish over them... Oh well. Maybe the next round then eh? (And when is that??) Howeverly wishful I maybe, I can't afford them yet now can I? Maybe a little spending for my b'day won't be that bad after all - it's my big day! I'm gonna be LEGALLY LEGAL! Hahaha~ I'm kinda happy; but also kinda sad that the same time. I really miss being all young and skippy. It's gonna be that age where you won't be able to skip like nuts or talk unnecessarily like before... Or walk around naked upstairs to and fro my room like always =P Hehe... ANYWAY, big thing is, I'm all grown up. Time for me to take over commitments and bigger responsibilities! THAT my friends, are the saddest part of growing up - and the best part too since bigger responsibilities means bigger control over monehhhhh~ Haha!

And so this tiny story wraps up for tonight~ Tomorrow's Consumer Behavior quiz of 10% marks and I have not exactly READ the notes properly... Not to mention that I don't have the textbook yet... Not till tomorrow I hope! Argh please textbook tomorowwww. G'night bloggie~ I'll update tomorrow! Take aight~ Sweetzzzzz~ Love you a whole lot and update soon! =D

EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED

ARGHHH!!! FRUSTRATED WITH BLOGSPOT BECAUSE THEY KEEP DELETING MY SENTENCES!! If you noticed. Obviously not! You're not me! My images and sentences keep disappearing with no trace and I can't seem to remember what I have posted before!! What's wrong with you, you dumb thing that I've been using for years???

I keep editing but it'll either lose this sentence OR another sentence!