Untitled

Dear bloggie,

I was just curious if it was okay for me to feel all hurt and pain if someone important to you tells you that if they see you, they don't actually have anything to do anyway. Which is also the same to, there's no reason to see each other. Not sure if i should get angry, sad or happy about those words. Unless there was a better reason behind it. I don't know. Perhaps my sacrifices aren't as great as what he's did before. Mine's just tiny and possibly pathetic. Like how i'd stay up late just to see him and end up getting shot at because of his rough day. Or how'd i wait for a reply an entire, not AN but almost two days of reply. I have a strong feeling that i'm not sure why, if i really didn't call him at all, would he call at any point?

Selfish sometimes yes. With everything i have now, i dare to say that i am selfish all the time. Almost everything and everytime he's upset i'll be at fault. Because you know what you've been putting off and away but you don't know what the other party might be doing. Might not even be willing to tell you. He never asks how i am because he thinks i'm fine. All the time. I realy wonder how often or how rarely they did contact each other. Yet again, ignorance is bliss and keeping questions i know will just add salt to my wound, i'll keep them to myself.

Not too long ago, i found out that sometimes, your significant other doesn't necessarily will be your best or good friend. Not when there's close to no communication at all for a week. I do envy those around him. But what difference will it make if he just. I'm not sure just what but it's just.

Big question to me, am i sacrificing too much or do i think i sacrifice too much? Or is it because i don't know what's happening over at his side that he rarely tell me about it. Of course i'll ask, "how are you". For crying out loud, that's my signature question! But knowing that it's yours doesn't mean that ppl would ask the same. "Why do you never ask me how am i?" "I don't have to. You are fine. Aren't you?" Now, how do i answer that? Just so you know, not everyone's day is fine all the time. I just tell people i'm fine because there're times you just don't know how to tell them what's going on, or being a typical malaysian, you don't wanna tell anyone what's happen in your life or day. So, that would be the answer to that rubik's cube of why-he-never-calls. Because i'm fine all day and night round all 24/7. I'm fine. SO very fine. Keep assuming.

Am i really the one that's always selfish and wrong? Everytime something comes up or along, i'd be the one shot at. Or am i giving in because i'm afraid he'd leave me like what happened last christmas? I don't get it really. I'm always and it's seriously always me doing some mistake and i'd be the one with sorry. You never tell me anything you're thinking of or what's happening or happened; thinking and assuming that i can read your mind so i do understand it. No i really don't. Don't understand at all. I've never gotten into this pot of boiling water in my life before.

I don't do what i done anymore.But it sure hurts me. Did it hurt you when you try doing sometime you always do? Does it make you cry when you don't do it anymore? When you miss them so much you ignore your thoughts and just let them roll down your cheek. Knowing that they are occupied but you have nothing in your head but them. I did plan this weeks ago. I think i'll feel more glad keeping my thoughts within me and pretend as if i was fine. Even when i'm hurt or tired, or in pain or i'm sad. It didn't make me stronger. It got me weaker everytime i push them away.

TRuly, i hate missing you. Because everytime i pretend i'm fine, i'd end up crying so badly i wish i was dead. The wrong words that you say by accident makes it worse. And you don't know it but me.

All these, just so you know.

Weather reports cold and dry weather

Dear bloggie,

Sure isn't fun when you have so many things suddenly hitting onto you but you just look at your own mistakes and go, "what the @%*# i wish i didn't even do it!"

1. My exam paper Counseling Techs just went down the drain.
2. Your cheque has mistakes and ya need to wait for another month to collect it so i'mma broke now.
3. Paid the post 22.70 with no blinking problem by accident because of miscommunication and lost about 18 bucks.
4. English exam failed for my 1st time in my life with only B3 when everyone else in the world got B4 and 5.
5. The cleaner at college threw your mum's fav Tupperware container because she didn't know it was mine.
6. Pc needs to be repaired but my handy baby is stuck home because because.
7. I'mma loosing more hair than usual which makes me close to being shiny head now.
8. Just realized that the closing date for the english test is LAST WEEK.
9. Owes my dad a whole bunch'a cash.
10. Has a strong feeling my papers are all doomed and i'm not even sure why.
11. can't ind my sister's camera battery and my whole family is pushing it down my throat asking me to dig it out SOON.
12. Anata having hard time and i'm not helping the situation...
13. Pris is bugging me to pay back her debts a.s.a.p.
14. Wanting to get so many things for myself but still in pending list!
15. Wondering if there's anyone who owes me money so i can add in my debts and get it done with fast.
16. A whole list of corsets to choose from but all of them are just so tempting. Nooooossss....

Thats it so far really. I think there was another list of rainy dark clouds but i was thinking about it so hard, it just went *poof*

Baby to lady

Dear bloggie,

The greatest issue i have with myself, is MYSELF. Well i always wanted to be all dressy and all the way up to the highest floor. I'm not even close to it now. True enough i am not myself as much as i was before, honestly, i don't know why at all. She used to be that really cool 25 year old (that a friend thought she was) before but this time around, she's gotten way younger than her actual age.

Possibly that she was pampered a little too often and much... Maybe even spoilt to rock bottom state. I can't tell either. Fact is, she's gotta be a little more than who she already is. Parents nagging thoroughly about the same thing. The same story.

My question is what has went so wrong that everything isn't as it used to be? It will definitely be a bigger issue if it keeps going on...

"Bloom darling. Bloom into our flower," smiles Shane.

"Let's see what flower you will turn out to be," her long pale fingers wrapped around my very small stubby ones and continued, "Bloom and show us what colors you can shine,"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well i'm not heart broken with my results from my past english test which everyone was surprised how it turned out. My mum wasn't mad at me. She was like, "WTF" *rolls eyes* who would expect something like that from me! GOSH. I just hate the idea of re-wasting my time and energy and money and face as a senior and doing it like, for the second time... Geez. It's not as if my english is that great, but it's not that bad i would have flunked the blinking paper! Where is this going to... My paper in the afternoon was pretty sucky as well. For a strong bad feeling, all mu results won't be as "happily ever after" as i would think.

G'night bloggie... I'mma dying here actually. At least i know ppl who're thinking of me out there~ You know who you are though. Yes you.

Woke up this morning

Dear bloggie,

"I got myself a gun. My momma told me, i was the chosen one. I'm one in a million and gotta shine. But i was born under a bad sign with a blue moon in my eye. Thought every thing was feeling all fine, but my pappa never told me about right and wrong.

You look fine but i'mma guessing you're feeling fine too.

I woke up this morning with a blue moon in my eye."

Crazy lyrics from my favvy song, Alabama 3. But i love the beat so much <3

Anyway, it's been a dull morning and dull night. Hoping it won't be a totally dull life though. Felt dead lonely last night with replies of "i'm busy" after calling. I know you were. Just needed someone, especially you to put me to slumber. Worst thing is, misses can be that bad with a cup of once a month in the coming - dampen pillow. And boo.

You wanted me to reply you blog, and i will. Finally found the right time to type something long enough for me to read.

No. My life isn't as great. No i'm not exactly happy all the time. No don't assume you're the only one with a blue moon in your eye because i'm a reflection of what you see. We're not together no. Things changed yes. Feeling relieved, maybe. Sure if i'm doing the right thing, yes at the moment and not looking forward to think about anything further.

I am heart broken and all but guessing that life is really so short, maybe we should just lay back and kick a little to relax. It is different. Very different from what i had. You'd be there every morning to wake me up. To give me those subtle kisses. To reach for me almost every minute you can.

The giving in's i have always been complaining seem to bring greater meanings now. You didn't want me to stress. Why'd you give it because of that? For some reason, which i'm entirely not sure of, you wanted me to be happy. Happy enough to keep every strand put on my scalp. No. I can't handle stress. Not like you. You push things away easily and leave them be. I can't. I look at it looking back at me and cry. They call me, cry baby.

Who's Shane? My little angelic brother. And who's Shanny? That little devil of a sister. They keep me alive. And they kill me dead.

I love the both of them. They make me smile. They make me laugh. They make me cry. They make me frown.

"Why are you doing this?" Shanny asked, and look over my shoulder.

"Because i'm confused," I answered with a tear down my cheek.

"You shouldn't. You should just let time tell," Shane answered as he cupped my damp cheek.

"Because i don't know what is right and wrong. Or was i pampered so much so i don't know how to adapt to other situations. It hurts Shane. It hurts. Hurts so much i wish i never experienced this,"

"Never regret. Never regret," he answered.

"Why don't you just leave it be? It isn't really that hard!" scoffed Shany.

"Oh shut up you little devil!" Shane shot at Shanny.


My brain needs help. Both Angel and Devil is fighting among themselves again. My eyes are pain. They're red again. What should i do?

Maybe

Dear bloggie,

She called me this evening. I wasn't progressing well at what i'm doing. It was a bad thing definitely. We talked about it and she was very much obviously asking me to stay to what i'm doing but there must be progress or, or. Where i stand now is at danger zone she told me. I need the numbers to raise from zero.

At least i knew i tried. Sad part is that i have never tried hard enough. Point one is that, ever since i agreed to do it, there was only one main reason. Him. Why i'm still there, him. Seem so obvious. I was under you but now i'm alone doing it but it looks like i was going no where with it. I needed help but i never asked because i was afraid. Surely enough, i was out of my comfort zone and now, danger zone. Life sure isn't as nice as i think it would be as i grow up. Told that it's just part and puzzle of life. I see why mj never did wanna grow up. Come to think of it, he was way down stressed, so much so, would that be the reason why he never did wanted to grow up; and i know why, now.

Ever since i was young, i grew up a lot faster and matured a lot faster than my actual age. And that might have just slowed down because i'm not accepting it like i should have... When i thought back at times where i wish i was old enough and matured enough, i earn my own, spend my own, think my own, i feel like taking them all back now. I'm just so tired of everything. I work so hard everyday at work but i'm still not doing good enough. I looked at my friends and strangers who have worked to earn more when they're studying and thought, "how do they do it?". Now i just look at myself in the mirror and stare blankly.

Stress like this is so new to me and worrisome since it's not what i see everyday. I'm loosing hair again. Must be stress. But this is way worse than i can actually think of. I'm loosing my hope to even try to make it for tomorrow.... Mummy told me that, if i'm not happy with what i'm doing, quit. Seriously. Don't push yourself so far and do something you don't like.

I'm not even sure what i should do now. She told me indirectly that i am a star that needs to be shining and i needed polishing.

What am i to do now? Keep moving forward till i can't do it. Should i just shave and wear a wig everyday? I need company now. But, i'm not surprise if he isn't here to do anything especially cheering me up. Now when i think of it, am i really lacking of that? Someone that i would care of to cheer me up instead. Because everyone that loves me have already done their part and now there's still a missing piece.

Weird.

Dolls can cry too

Dear bloggie,

I have been so emotionally unstable recently yet no one can see it. It like my mask over my face is too thick or something.

Just had questions that kept bugging me recently...

Do i really like you just because you're more dominant than me? Or is just that i see you as dominant because i always give into.

Do you really mean what you say when everyone isn't around? Or you just tell me to make me feel good.

Will all my choices turn out better than what i think it would be like? Or i'm just lying to myself to make me happy.

Why did you change your word "love" to "like" suddenly in our conversation? Or is it that you are not sure about me.

Does it make a difference if i did have cosmetics on or not? Or there could be nicer words like, "you still look like you when i look at you".

Am i really as important as you said i am? Or you just say it for the heck of it.

Why do you never praise me for a good reason anymore? Or my exotic-ness disappeared into thin air.

What did you mean when you didn't want anyone else to know if one day we are together? Or you're just afraid ppl finds out that i am a replacement for your ex.

Could you try to open up to me for a bit? Instead of keeping everything to yourself. You call me a friend. In fact closer than an average one but pretend as if i'm not there when i see you.

Would there be a difference when you're not around with me anymore? Or i would be graving everyday thinking about you.

What am i doing? Slacking my life through thinking that i'm fine; that's what i'm doing.

All hurt and suffering but ignoring it because i believe. Believe of? Of something i think i'll not be happy? I don't know. Just wanna get over it really, really, really fast.

Kept in a little treasure box

Dear bloggie,

Life hasn't been the greatest these days. Why? I dunno~~~ Okay. Work has been tiring as much as annoying - i spent my whole day just faxing letters to not even sure how many schools in Kuala Lipis, Slim River, Sungai Petani, Butterworth and a few other places. The fax was fucking slow! RAWR. Moves like a snail and dials like a lazy bear... Though it was a thumbs up because i didn't have to do any dumb calls out PLUS the old lady saw me but didn't bother about what i was doing! Mwahaha~ Thank God she ignored. I really don't feel like talking to her at all... Kak Jaz kept hitting me! *sniffles* for her god knows why reason. Ish.

It was really interesting when you get to learn new stuff everyday. Like today, i was pretty depressed and sad because i saw myself hidden again. Well, issue with myself is that i never had friends. Even if i had, they were close ones that were online or an amount countable with one hand, five fingers. That little chick better be glad that he has ppl who are willing to take good care of him when he's all sad and emotional at work. Unlike me, who i kinda realized don't get any much attention from all these kinda stuff which i find ridiculous. Was is because i mask myself so well no one can tell that i have unseen problems or are they just ignoring me? Close ones sometimes can tell that i don't sound too good. That's also maybe because it's way too obvious and i'd usually make a fuss about anything related to it. I just feel sad for myself that i never gotten anything like that in my life before. A whole lot of them are usually online buddies who doesn't seem to bother much about me anymore now. Everyone has their own life to mess around with i guess. He's the only idiot that asks me if there's anything wrong. Life sure sucks when there's a down and when your mood is all scrambled up like eggs!

In fact, i should be glad that i have a great girl with me who is willing to cheer me up with good points! Bro that cares so much that he's willing to cycle over my place to see how i am because there was once i was crying so badly on the phone and i needed company... Of course anata-kun who still calls me everyone once and a while to check on me if i was sad or happy throughout my day.

I guess i just felt empty. Though i know so many ppl around me... I'm always smiling and laughing. For some reason, i look in the mirror and see another girl staring back at me. It's as if i don't know her at all. Who is she? Why is she staring back at me like this? Why is she so sad?

I come home stoning at my monitor with nothing feeling lost. Like i said, i don't see rainbows and butterflies as much anymore... I"m so stressed, i think i loose more hair than drinking water! Gee. More rest perhaps? I don't know. I know very well i am somewhat pressured in a way to tone up and slim down, to not like what i love, to be who i might not be, to stand up and fight but i sit and watch myself slide off my chair. What the fuck am i doing to myself? I can actually see myself flip my own leaf and i'm looking at it flip slowly and painfully; but not doing anything.

How true is love is blind? I never thought it would glare back at me.