Living in Denial

Dear bloggie,

There was this strong feeling to blog actually. When I opened this page and looked at the blank text box, I stared at it blankly.

Figured that there really isn't anyone I can talk to now, I might as well slap them all on this blank page shouldn't I? Presentation today went pretty good for me except my group members. The most interesting part is their expressions on their faces when the lecturer actually called every member of the the group out front and center to answer her questions. Though EVERYONE in class didn't expect it (which I was surprised), a smirk reached my lips and couldn't help but grin in my mind. This is your great lovely ANTH lecturer. Well just so you know, she's well known for all these where I'm similar to her when lecturing and attitude wise. Why did you think I kept asking everyone "Are you ready? Anything else to need to know before we present?"? That's for NOT taking down your own notes, NOT paying attention when the interview was going on, NOT interviewing your own villager and ONLY relying on me to do everything. Therefore, I knew everything you didn't. I just felt, a cruel wave wash into my soul and it just felt, too good. Then again, it lives only in me. Killjoy.

I've been reading a manga recently, actually since last night... Been up to 20 chapters already! But... It's at its most depressing part of the manga. Not bad enough that I'm still feeling really. Really. And... I've been having all these nasty dreams. And everytime you reacted to me in my dream, I'd wake up and turn then sigh (yea I'm conscious by then) - Naps included. My body has been aching pretty bad too especially my neck and shoulders. They're so tense and uncomfortable as if they're about to fall of. Another interesting encounter was/is this heat flush thing since morning in class. Boy, was it bad in that formal shirt and slacks... And again not too long ago say 8.45pm & 9pm and I don't even know why they happen. I never really had them for months now! I heard mum intends to visit the massage parlor one of these days. Better tell her I'm dead interested to join her soon!

I haven't stopped crying. Quite funny how they come in weird waves. After a while, I tone down. Shortly, I'd start again. Been waiting for you to reply; but I suppose it won't be anytime soon. Not sure if you know how torturing it is when something like that happens when you know it wasn't entirely your fault. In this case mine. So many questions, so little answers, no time at all. Times like these, I wish I weren't a Scorpion. And you weren't a Gemini. I was reading a book on Astronomy this evening before my nap and read the exact some sentence of our Sun & Star signs - 2/4 hearts for compatibility *sigh*. Gemini's are communicative freaks (and in a nicer way would be "extremely engaged with talking & communication") whilst sensual Scorpio is overly emotional and sensitive (in other words, "expects to sharing feelings with partner; like all the time"). Guess that's why you prefer talking about everything under the sun while I prefer sharing my feelings and emotions and expecting you to share yours too; but I know too well that, that rarely happens since you left college. Okay suck it in. I know there's that choked up feeling again. Your eyes are sore from crying and heart which needs plumbing. Yet at the back of my head tells me that I shouldn't let those Astronomic hoo-ha control my life. What can I do if they sound too accurate? And another voice answers, "Let's show that all those Astro-ginormic stuff aren't true!". Who'm I to prove anything now?

It's either me, or us living in denial now. You're so hurt there probably wouldn't be reading anything I've sent you all these time. Why the extra aggravation? I'm still sitting waiting hoping wishing praying. Anyway, only two days passed. Short two days.

Yet my heart screams in pain and cry uncontrollably everytime I think of you. Can't tell if you still want me back. Can't tell if you're doing any better than me. Can't tell if you've been reading anything of mine. Can't tell if that idiot Sweed is there making things worse to that poor heart of yours; but he stabbed me like crazy because I reminded him of his ex gf and not as if he would help make things better for me.

I can't stand it. I don't feel like coming online anymore. I just don't want to remind myself about me. Nor you. I don't feel like doing anything. And I have a presentation on Monday on that stupid stupid survey and assignment due on Sunday for compilation. I just don't have the mood for anything. I don't even feel like typing any of my feeling down now.

I'm leaving now bloggie. I'm sorry everytime I come on is just to share with me a part of my lifeless self. I love you a lot alright? I miss you a whole big bunch too. Might end up in bed early tonight. Sleep tight there. Sweet dreams and g'night. God bless you lots and please take care of your lovely self. Bye...