Never cross your heart

Dear bloggie,

I'm sad. Really really sad. For almost the past few weeks. I want to cry. But something really is stopping me from crying. If there was only something i could do to change all these thoughts.

Why must you fight with her? Just let it be... I'm hurt just looking at all of you. Please stop what you're doing. She's your mother. Just listen to her and sacrifice this very time for everyone's sake. She loves you and wants you to learn although she might have already used wrong words, but it was because she loved you so... Please stop...

Don't blame her for what has happened. Look at yourself then reanalyze and see what went wrong. It hurts to see you this way crying back at me... Please stop... Because i know how she feels as well.

Why is this happening? What can i do to change this? I failed this once and i will not do it again. I had to fork out a lump sum of cash just to redo this paper and it kills, so much just to see it out of my pocket though my whole family is coming along. The only thing that stopped us from going the last time was because of the accident months back that scarred us for our lives; please don't come back. It hurts to see you bleed.

I won't be earning much this time around. She's usually at the seat and won't be leaving much till the time comes again; but i'll be there every thursday.

Choices. Dilemmas. Ethical dilemmas. No i couldn't run from any. Sometimes i do wish i closed my eyes and choose that easily. When there was only a time i'd love to get to know you better, i get hints of ignorance and gentle nudges of i'm-not-interested-so-stop-wasting0your-time. It is true that i scare guys away that easily? Especially when they don't like me? Honestly, i miss so many things i have been getting for the past 2 years and being how i am now suddenly is like a change of weather and i can't seem to really cope with it. Sure, i get on with everything day after day but when i sit and just try to think, there's a cloud above my head almost instantly. Doesn't help. What is the objective of praising someone, being in their contact list and then just ignoring them? I still can't get it -> "For decoration purposes only". I think it's best that i stay still for the time being and pretend i'm not around.

"When you know you get that feeling again, hug your favvy plushie super tight," I was reminded; and it only works every once and a while.

I'd call myself, unappreciative of what i have to do and what i have. It kills.

I miss you so much. So much i feel like dying sometimes. I wish you were here. There's so many things in this world i feel like sharing with you; in fear if you would sit and listen to what i have to say even when you already have things that is occupying your mind now. Where are you the one that i love so... I sense your presence near... Oh how obsessed i am with your love! The stinging i can feel in my flesh every time i see people who are together in a pair. How i despise that bitter taste on my tongue. Where are you? I only see you when my eyes are closed... Please don't leave me...

I'm afraid. To touch the mirror once again.

Night bloggie. Too much in my head but i'm still alive. I'll make sure i still breath. Till then, i'll keep updating. Love you lots. And why aren't i busy enough to keep myself occupied??!! (that's the craziest thing anyone wants >_>)